From The Onion:
Republican Senators Maintain They’ll Weigh All Evidence Before Carrying Trump Out On Shoulders
“Look, as senators, we swore a solemn oath to deliver justice, and I intend to abide by that precisely as we use this trial to scrutinize the facts and then determine exactly how—and indeed, if—we will storm into the Oval Office, hoist the delighted president aloft, and regale him with spirited rounds of ‘Hip, hip, hurray,’” said Sen. Mitch McConnell, noting that his awesome responsibility as the chamber’s majority leader required him to tamp down on any partisan speculation on whether Senate Republicans would rush to raise the president up onto their shoulders while singing “He’s A Jolly Good Fellow” or if Senate Republicans would opt for a more stately procession in which they conveyed the recently acquitted Trump past each and every Democratic congressperson’s office.