There Wasn’t a Goddamn War on Xmas, Until NOW!

found online by Raymond

 
From Vixen Strangely at Strangely Blogged:

Finally as in all the Presidents before Trump, too? Honest to Goodness, I just can’t–

Barack Obama was saying “Merry Christmas” all the time. He was. There was never a War on Christmas. Atheists even like Christmas–family and presents and eating too many cookies is nice!

– More –
 

2 thoughts on “There Wasn’t a Goddamn War on Xmas, Until NOW!”

  1. Dearest,

    I write to you from a trench my buddies and I dug along Candy Cane road. It has afforded the Elves and I adaquate protection from the Seasons Greetings of our enemies. The Battle of Tinseltown does not go well for us. I feel like the belief in this War on Christmas wavers every year.

    I want you to know, Dearest, I believe in Christmas. I believe in this War. My belief does not waver. It does not waver despite the efforts of our enemies. As I write this, I can hear it now. Over the sounds the Peppermint Grenades and Eggnog Mines, even now, they blare Simply Havng a Wonderful Christmas Time and Bing Crosby’s Christmas Classics over speakers all across Tinseltown. My faith will never waver, Dearest.

    It’s so hard to stay true, Dearest. Despite the haze of smoke from the Yule Logs burning all over Tinseltown. Despite the choking scent of gingerbread and balsam filling my nostrils, I write to you under the blinding, blinking multi-colored lights hanging overhead. The streets of Tinseltown, and every village we’ve visited in this War, are adorned with lit garland, snowflakes and snowmen.

    The enemy is adept at psychological warfare, Dearest. Their shopping malls are decorated with a wide assortment of poinsettia and scenes of the Holy Nativity. The walls are draped in reds, greens, silvers, and golds. They can not fool us for we are The Elves; soldiers of Christmas. Their leaders broadcast announcements wishing a safe holiday and Merry Christmas. I know these announcements are insincere and I reject them.

    I know, Dearest, that this War takes me away from you and away from our enjoyment of this holiest of holy days. Surely you understand that I am compelled to fight. Street by Street. Block by Block. Mind by Mind. We will win. The phrase Happy Holidays will forever be banished from the lexicon. It’s Merry Christmas, dearest!

    Regrettably, I must end this letter to you. I hear our enemies advancing on our position. The sound of marching nutcrackers has become deafening and one of the other Elves has spotted a Mannheim Steamroller two blocks away. We need to move. I want you to know I am thinking of you. We will be reunited for Christmas!

    Yours truly.

    P.S. – Best Buy is having a sale on the Xboxs and Apple iPhones. Just throwing it out there to Santa for gift ideas.

    1. MESSAGE INTERCEPTED

      INITIATING ANALYSIS

      SCANNING…
      PARSING TEXT…
      ANALYZING…
      FINALIZING…

      ANALYSIS COMPLETE

      CONCLUSIONS:

      *ENEMY MORALE REMAINS STRONG AT THIS TIME

      *ENEMY COMBATANTS DESIRE POPULAR ELECTRONIC DEVICES

      *PHRASE “HAPPY HOLIDAYS” CONTINUES TO WIELD POWER OVER ENEMY COMBATANTS

      RECOMMENDED ACTIONS:

      *INCREASE VOLUME OF AUDIO TRACK [SIMPLY HAVING A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS TIME] BY 23.7%

      *REPLACE AUDIO TRACKS FROM AUDIO COLLECTION [THE VERY BEST OF BING CROSBY] WITH AUDIO TRACKS [FELIZ NAVIDAD], [12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS], AND [I WANT A HIPPOPOTAMUS FOR CHRISTMAS]

      *INSTALL INCENDIARY DEVICE MODEL #SMSNGGLXYNT7 IN ALL [XBOX] AND [IPHONE] DEVICES SHIPPED TO NORTH POLE

      *COMMENCE OPERATION [BLACK DECEMBER] WITH FREE SHIPPING AND EXTENDED AND HISTORICALLY LOW PRICES ON [XBOX] AND [IPHONE] DEVICES, EMPHASIZING THAT SALES ARE FOR HANUKKAH AND KWANZAA

      *DRASTICALLY SLASH PRICES OF UNCONVENTIONALLY COLORED CHRISTMAS TREES TO PROLIFERATE ACROSS HOUSEHOLDS, EMPHASIZING BLACK, PINK, AND ORANGE

      *REPLACE 8.2% OF OLD OVERWEIGHT WHITE MALE MALL SANTA DRONES WITH NEW YOUNG SLIM MIXED-RACE METROSEXUAL SANTA DRONES; RAMP UP PRODUCTION OF NEW MODEL FOR NEXT YEAR

      *COMMENCE PRODUCTION OF FEMALE MALL SANTA FOR 2019 ROLL-OUT

      *INSTRUCT LOCAL GOVERNMENT DRONES TO APPROVE ALL “CHRISTMAS ISN’T JUST FOR CHRISTIANS” BILLBOARDS AND REJECT PRO-CHRISTIAN BILLBOARDS ON FIRST AMENDMENT GROUNDS

      WAR VICTORY PROBABILITY:

      WITH THE ABOVE RECOMMENDATIONS, PROBABILITY OF ENEMY DEFEAT AND TOTAL SUBVERSION OF CHRISTMAS TRADITION BY 2030 APPROACHES 83%.

We have a comment policy (sort of)

We often encounter extreme amounts of spam targeting more controversial posts. This tends to annoy and confuse Aunt Tildy. If your comment is accidentally omitted, please help her out by resubmitting, perhaps including a note telling us what happened. If you find comments closed, we can still put yours in its proper place. Just attach to another post with an explanation.

Aunt Tildy appreciates most every comment. Truly. But she has what could be an unrealistic view of the innocence of younger readers. She may hesitate when profanity becomes extreme.

In some cases, you might follow our lead. When we ruffle her delicate sensibilities, a soft apology has usually helped.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *