From The Onion:
ARLINGTON, VA—In what many are calling a long-overdue response to a clear weak spot in the defenses of U.S. military facilities, the Pentagon issued a new series of security guidelines Friday after confirming another group of precocious children had infiltrated a base and rescued an alien friend.
The Defense Department, which has acknowledged six such incidents in the past year alone, said the updated protocols would be implemented at all domestic military installations, eliminating the security flaws that currently allow any building housing an extraterrestrial to be accessed by a scrawny kid whose friends convince him to squeeze through the ventilation shaft. The new directives also reportedly prohibit checkpoint guards from waving through 12-year-olds who pull up in their mom’s station wagon, display their older brother’s driver’s license, and claim to be catering a party for the base commander.